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tater_maeI didn't have much to do, and it was on my mind at the time...
so...
i guess it was last month that i was having a pretty hard time with stuff. I found out some information, and through work, I went to a family therapist. My work covers me for 3 sessions through a place called Humanicare, and through them I found this lady.
Anyway, I had my first session with her on March 31st. The sessions are 50 mins long.
I booked off a half-day at work, just in case.
So I went to see Shelley. And as soon as I opened my mouth, I think I started crying. Its kind of hard talking about what happened to someone who doesn't know, because its kind of fresh. With other people who already know, its easier almost. She had to coax me to talk a little, but other than that, I basically cried for almost an hour. I wasn't sure how I felt about her after i was done. She seemed very understanding but... at times I don't know if it was sincere. I mean, i'm sure it was. But sometimes it kind of felt like... she was just going through the motions. But I was being REALLY emotional and everything, so it was probably just me.
I guess it felt kind of nice, in a way. Unloading like that to a complete stranger with no bias whatsoever.
I went back to work after my session, because I had a lot of work to do as it was month end and blah blah blah. I got the ONE thing I really wanted to get done and after that, I just went home an hour and a half early. I did book off the rest of the day though, So i figured it was okay, and a lot of my friends/co-workers were all, WHY ARE YOU HERE? when I came back.
My other session was on the 16th of this month. I didn't bother booking off a half-day, because I was just going to come back anyway. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't go back to work that first time, i would have just been miserable - i would have crawled into bed and cried and cried and cried. And I'm sure that's healthy too, but... i had work to do, and I'd rather be productive when I can.
Anyway, so on the 16th, I saw Shelley again. I DIDN'T cry the whole time, but i cried half the time probably. At the end of the session, she basically told me that I didn't really need to see her anymore - I could go to a support group. So she gave me a couple numbers and sent me on my way. Not that I'm saying that she did NOTHING for me. She was very nice and understanding and everything. But... I guess I knew I didn't really need to see her after my first session with her. When I got back to work though... I got some work done, then a co-worker who I didn't really like before (but I sit next to her) asked me how I was doing and we got to talking and i kinda just told her everything. I mean, I think she already knew and stuff, but talking about it again and like, REALLY talking about it gets me every time. So i cried for another half hour - hour, and after having a good talk with her, I went home, because I knew i wasn't going to be very useful for my last hour and a half at work. So I went home and napped until my sister got home.
It hurts, bringing it up with new people, sure, but... I really didn't need Shelley's help with anything. My mother is dead. I'm dealing with it. Ok, its not as easy as that, but that's ok too. I'm dealing, and I'm fairly healthy about it. Or something. the support from my family and friends is more than enough for me. I'm surrounded by people who love me and right now I think that's all i need. I think Shelley was used to dealing with people who's families tend to break up after a death in the family. My family was and is very close. Like, i was never as close with my dad as I was with my mom, but we're still close. And I see my mom's family all the time. And my friends at work are completely amazing. They are so so supportive of me, and it really helps. They're always willing to listen and talk and everything. Not to say that RL friends aren't like that, but I see my co-workers everyday, and they can always tell when i'm having an off day, and some people are always ready with a hug for me when I need it.
But I think that maybe a support group might help. As much as I love the support from my friends, it might be helpful getting support from people who know what i'm going through. And like a few of my friends said, maybe I could help people there too. So its worth looking into.
There are always going to be certain days that are harder than others. The whole month of March for the most part, my birthday, Mother's Day, her birthday, all the big occasions. But like some people have said, don't think about what you've lost, think about all the good things you've had. and that's pretty much how i try and live. I mean, yeah, there are days when i think about getting married and having kids, knowing she won't be there to experience with me, but I have 22 years worth of great memories. Ok, not all of them are great - i was not the best child - but the good outweighs the bad.
I'm taking it one day at a time. There's not much else I can do. But I'm not dwelling on it. or at least, I try not to. Nothing's going to change the past, right? The only thing I can do is try to make the present and the future the best that I can make it.
its what she would have wanted anyway. .
so...
i guess it was last month that i was having a pretty hard time with stuff. I found out some information, and through work, I went to a family therapist. My work covers me for 3 sessions through a place called Humanicare, and through them I found this lady.
Anyway, I had my first session with her on March 31st. The sessions are 50 mins long.
I booked off a half-day at work, just in case.
So I went to see Shelley. And as soon as I opened my mouth, I think I started crying. Its kind of hard talking about what happened to someone who doesn't know, because its kind of fresh. With other people who already know, its easier almost. She had to coax me to talk a little, but other than that, I basically cried for almost an hour. I wasn't sure how I felt about her after i was done. She seemed very understanding but... at times I don't know if it was sincere. I mean, i'm sure it was. But sometimes it kind of felt like... she was just going through the motions. But I was being REALLY emotional and everything, so it was probably just me.
I guess it felt kind of nice, in a way. Unloading like that to a complete stranger with no bias whatsoever.
I went back to work after my session, because I had a lot of work to do as it was month end and blah blah blah. I got the ONE thing I really wanted to get done and after that, I just went home an hour and a half early. I did book off the rest of the day though, So i figured it was okay, and a lot of my friends/co-workers were all, WHY ARE YOU HERE? when I came back.
My other session was on the 16th of this month. I didn't bother booking off a half-day, because I was just going to come back anyway. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't go back to work that first time, i would have just been miserable - i would have crawled into bed and cried and cried and cried. And I'm sure that's healthy too, but... i had work to do, and I'd rather be productive when I can.
Anyway, so on the 16th, I saw Shelley again. I DIDN'T cry the whole time, but i cried half the time probably. At the end of the session, she basically told me that I didn't really need to see her anymore - I could go to a support group. So she gave me a couple numbers and sent me on my way. Not that I'm saying that she did NOTHING for me. She was very nice and understanding and everything. But... I guess I knew I didn't really need to see her after my first session with her. When I got back to work though... I got some work done, then a co-worker who I didn't really like before (but I sit next to her) asked me how I was doing and we got to talking and i kinda just told her everything. I mean, I think she already knew and stuff, but talking about it again and like, REALLY talking about it gets me every time. So i cried for another half hour - hour, and after having a good talk with her, I went home, because I knew i wasn't going to be very useful for my last hour and a half at work. So I went home and napped until my sister got home.
It hurts, bringing it up with new people, sure, but... I really didn't need Shelley's help with anything. My mother is dead. I'm dealing with it. Ok, its not as easy as that, but that's ok too. I'm dealing, and I'm fairly healthy about it. Or something. the support from my family and friends is more than enough for me. I'm surrounded by people who love me and right now I think that's all i need. I think Shelley was used to dealing with people who's families tend to break up after a death in the family. My family was and is very close. Like, i was never as close with my dad as I was with my mom, but we're still close. And I see my mom's family all the time. And my friends at work are completely amazing. They are so so supportive of me, and it really helps. They're always willing to listen and talk and everything. Not to say that RL friends aren't like that, but I see my co-workers everyday, and they can always tell when i'm having an off day, and some people are always ready with a hug for me when I need it.
But I think that maybe a support group might help. As much as I love the support from my friends, it might be helpful getting support from people who know what i'm going through. And like a few of my friends said, maybe I could help people there too. So its worth looking into.
There are always going to be certain days that are harder than others. The whole month of March for the most part, my birthday, Mother's Day, her birthday, all the big occasions. But like some people have said, don't think about what you've lost, think about all the good things you've had. and that's pretty much how i try and live. I mean, yeah, there are days when i think about getting married and having kids, knowing she won't be there to experience with me, but I have 22 years worth of great memories. Ok, not all of them are great - i was not the best child - but the good outweighs the bad.
I'm taking it one day at a time. There's not much else I can do. But I'm not dwelling on it. or at least, I try not to. Nothing's going to change the past, right? The only thing I can do is try to make the present and the future the best that I can make it.
its what she would have wanted anyway. .
